Captain Thaddeus Artemis Hornblower ponders life.

Friday, May 27, 2005

Zombie Attack!


Zombies.
I first encontered several dozens of these fellows on the Isle of Gough, the Southernmost island in the Trisan da Cuhna island group. This remote island is located about midway between Cape Town, South Africa and Buenos Aires, Argentina. My crew was going for the main island when we encountered some unforseen inconviniences. We had to make an emergency stop on Gough which aparently contains nothing save one meteorological station. My First Mate Thatherton seemed to know a man running this station, and suggested we call on him for assistance.
Upon arrival on the Island of Gough, we knew something was wrong. My trusty Hound was hiding below deck, like a ninny. Upon arrival at the meterological station, we could smell the smelly smell of something that smells... like death! After the encounter with the Parade, we were sure to have less-than-legal firearms with us at all times. We encountered a few of the vile abominations at the door closest to our ship. We quickly dispatched them, and decided that it was imperative that we leave. As we headed back to our ship, we heard more of them coming at us, to our surprise, they were the same creatures that had attacked us before. They were leaking what I now know is called "Zombie Oil," or coagulated blood. We were able to got to our ship unscathed, but we were unsure what it really was we were attacked by. After several phone calls, we contacted the head of the FVZA (Federal Vampire and Zombie Agency) Dr. Hugo Pecos. He assured us that what we were up against was in fact a group of Zombies. He was able to get us a nearby contact who provided for us an Antidote to the Zombie Virus. Though none of us were touched by the creatures, they assured us that it was in our best interests to receive the antidote, just in case. Shortly after this, a team of expert Vampire and Zombie hunters was dispatched to the small island. We were informed that over 600 of the creatures were destroyed by the FVZA in a matter of hours, with no casualties on their part.


I would like to commend the courageous men and women of the FVZA for their fine job of selflessly protecting every citizen of this planet every single day.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

They came from...................Over there.



I have encountered many strange, rare, and spectacular creatures in my travels. I have seen everything from the gigantic Mokele-Mbembe, to the stealthy Sniper-Kittens of new Jersey. Though the most mysterious of all creatures seem to be human, or at least they were at one point in time. The creatures I speak of are of course Vampires, Zombies, Werewolves, and all other things spawned of humans.
The most remarkable of these creatures is in my opinion Zombies. Partly because of their sheer resillience, and partly because of their ability to amass huge numbers in a relativley short period of time. Though the vaccine for this virus was created in 1911, most experts beleive that a Zombie outbreak is more likely than other undead creatures such as vampires.
The Zombie virus comes from the same family as the Vampire virus, both of which are generally carried by ticks, who then pass them to rats, bats, or other creatures, who then pass them on to humans, who then pass them on to other humans. These ticks usually populate tropical climates, which means there are more outbreaks in topical areas.

Stages of the Disease
The stages of zombie transformation are the same that occur in vampires, with two major differences: in zombies, the onset of symptoms and transformation occurs much faster and has no relation to the cycles of day and night.

Stage One: Infection. Symptoms of zombie infection appear quickly: within one or two hours, the victim will develop a headache, fever, chills and other flu-like symptoms. Zombie infections last about half as long as their vampiric counterparts, mostly between three and six hours, during which the vaccine is 100 percent effective.

Stage Two: Coma. Zombie comas are considerably more brief than vampiric comas. While physiological changes-slow pulse, shallow breathing-are similar, the coma lasts only between four and six hours. Only the very young and very old do not survive zombie comas. Zombies have been found as young as five years old and as old as 90. As with vampires, the vaccine is 50 percent effective when administered during Stage Two of the infection: the longer the victim has been in the coma, the less effective the vaccine.

Stage Three: Transformation. Zombies awaken from their comas in a catatonic state. They are unresponsive to most stimuli as they shuffle about, trying to locate their prey. Unlike vampires, there is no acclimation period; a zombie will begin hunting immediately upon transformation.
After transforming, a Zombie will be able to transmit the disease through Saliva.

More information on zombies will be available shortly.

**The above information is from the leading Zombie experts at**

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Yoda. Small. Green. Human?

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With the final installment of the Star Wars, um, sixiligy? Sexiligy? Trilogy┬▓, yeah, that's it. With the final installment of the Star Wars trilogy┬▓, seen only by nerds at this point, it leaves many of them wondering, what the hell is Yoda anyway?

Well fine friends, I have come across several of these creatures in my travels. While the ones as old as the small green do-gooder are quite rare, younger versions of the fellow are as common as you or me. Yes that's right, if you are rather bright, or if you have read the title of this installment, you will realize that Yoda is in fact, Human. You may be thinking, "but dude, Yoda is like, green, 'n tiny 'n stuff." while this is not the slightest bit ordinary, it is possible.
First, we will tackle his Age.
Yoda is around 800 years old. Humans in this day and age only grow to about the age of 85 on this planet Terra. As you well know, Jedi are quite active beings, both physically and mentally, especially in their old age. While most elderly people's body and minds grow weak with lack of use, these Jedi's bodies and minds get even stronger with time. This can not go on forever though, we can see that in Yoda as is he physically weaker and mentally insane in the years after the Clone Wars. This is due to his lack of use of his body and mind in Jedi affairs, since there aren't really any Jedi affairs after the clone wars anyway. Eventually Yoda dies from being a crazy, old, possibly narcotic-addicted little fellow living alone on a swamp planet.

Now we shall consider Yoda's height.
Yoda is the size of your average 3 year old. How could this be? Altitude-challenged individuals have never lived as long as average-sized folks. Well, Yoda was not always in need of a floating basket to get around, he was quite possibly a very tall man when he was younger. Just look at any human who have, as the Maori people of New Zealand say, run with the great-wild lizards. As the timer ticks on in humans, they tend to start shrinking, both in height and girth. The older the person, the shorter they are, that is the way of life. While most people die before they get as short as Yoda, they do show how he could get that small.

As we are quite aware, Yoda has enormous ears.
Unlike the shrinking, people's ears get bigger as they get older. It's a fact. While you are oggling that poor old man to see how short he is, notice his abnormally large ears. As Yoda's ears got larger, they most certainly got heavier on the top, which caused them to start folding over, as with dog ears. This is why they are pointy at the ends.

As some of you may not know, Yoda is also green.
This is easily explainable, just look at the dark-skinned people's all over the world. They are colored that way because of their environment, not because of the curse of Judas, as some people believe it to be. Yoda's environment has made him to be this color. Little is known about Yoda's people, but they must be in an environment quite different from are own.

Yoda does not have the correct amount of fingers.
Perhaps this is due to some practice akin to Yubitsume, a Samurai practice that involves removing of one's own fingers, it is still practiced to some extent today. It is also possible that he just had a few lightsaber accidents after he had smoked a little too much.
With that said, just remember, you could actually look like Yoda some day, isn't that comforting.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

In the Beginning

Welcome friends,
My name is Captain Thaddeus Artemis Hornblower III. I am currently sailing through the Indian Ocean on a pearl hunting expedition. I have been a Sea Captain for many, many years. I have sailed the world from the Icy waters of Antarctica, to the humid, insect ridden rivers of the Congo, to the waste-filled lakes of North America, and 'round the treacherous horn of Mexico. I have learned a lot of the ways of life from many different cultures. This is why I beleive I should make a Weblog, or Blog as many say, on a website that generally caters to idiots and children. I am currently using the Trebuchet font precisely because I like the way it sounds. Trebuchet, we all know how it is supposed to be pronounced, yet we still seem to think that certain sounds do not deserve to be heard, or so those french bastards would like us to beleive. You may also notice that I did not capitalize the foremost consonant in the word french. You will find that I do not do this many times when it is customary, you may also notice that I capitalize certain words that need not be capitalized. This is generally for the purpose of adding or removing excessive respect for that particular Word, Idea, or State of Mind; Though sometimes it is out of sheer ignorance. I am currently watching Family Guy, I find the highly intelligent and fiercly evil baby Stewie to be quite charming. This is how I spend much of my free time. I also like to drink massive amounts of coffee and stay up for days playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. This is a breif explanation of my background and current status, I will try to bring more of my Stories, and general wisdom as time allows. Thank you for your interest and feel free to respond as you see fit.